Thursday, December 10, 2009


So the funniest line I've heard on the whole Tiger Woods episode was from Jay Leno:
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? The answer: Santa only has three "Ho"s.

Tiger has done much to prove that golf is not boring, and now he takes this to a new level. Or rather, the media does. After all, he was doing pretty well in keeping it quiet for years, until apparently his wife found out. And now, like clowns pouring out of a tiny car, a procession of bimbos is pouring out, each one more anxious than the last to confess all. C'mon now, this guy makes Casanova look like Mr. Rogers...and he's a champion athlete on top of this.

What amazes me about the whole story is how proudly these assorted cocktail waitresses and such come forth. I mean, I can see one woman being proud to be the mistress of a celebrity, but to come out and say you are one of a dozen or more (do you think, in a pinch, he could name them all?) What is this, pride in numbers?

I do admire the restraint of comedians in not bringing up the comical connotations of "balls" and "clubs", but, after all, how could comic minds resist this one? Pity the poor cartoonists, and since I write gags for several of the best ones, I appreciate their dilemma. This tale is too short-lived as an object of public attention to get out cartoons that require lots of lead time. Most such scandals and tabloid stories don't make it as cartoons, except perhaps in The New Yorker, with a shorter deadline and weekly publication.

And considering that golfers don't have cheerleaders, or get to grab each other's asses on a playing field, or until now did not seem to have groupies, I say it's overdue attention. And considering all the men for whom sexual conquest is only present in vague long term memory bursts from the past, but they still make it out onto the golf course, this must be a very gratifying story. They would probably be singing, "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" if it weren't for disapproving wives or the grown-up uptight children they live with.

And how naive do you have to be to think that Tiger seduced a single one of these women rather than the other way around? A more plausible scenario is something like, "I just love to watch you play, Mr. Woods, and I'm not wearing any underwear." Let's face it, he's perhaps the best at his sport in history, the highest paid athlete ever, good looking, and has a gorgeous wife. Is there one of these women likely to ever again do something to make headlines? Yes, I know, it's sad. But hopefully they had a good time during the event itself.

An athlete engages in a physical activity that feels good..what a shock. Oh yes, he betrayed his wife. Well, she must be feeling pretty satisfied at getting her own back. And she evidently didn't do the "stand by her man looking humiliated while he confessed at a news conference" dance. And think how quickly this could have turned from comedy to tragedy if she had used a gun or chainsaw instead of a golf club. Good for her, she chose an appropriate limited response (our miliary in Iraq and Afghanistan could learn a thing or two). And the man himself has managed it very well by not coming up with excuses, not saying it was all alcohol-related and that he's checking into rehab. He's impressive in his restraint and dignity despite the circumstances. And stay or leave, she is a multimillionaire several times over. I'm sorry, I can think of a few other people in these economic times that might cause me to shed a tear or two.

And at least by sticking with him, his sponsors are not hypocrites, and realize that more people than ever will be wanting to watch him play. On the course and off, I know I'll probably offend some of you by applauding the ultimate swinger.
I know, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

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