SAME THREATS, DIFFERENT REACTIONS

I couldn't resist passing on this piece by Monty Python alumni John Cleese--a brilliant modern take on national quirks and attributes.

ALERTS TO THREATS, IN 2011 EUROPE....... BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get
a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.

And while I have a ways to go before I'm in Cleese's class as a satirist, this did make me wonder

what he might have said if the U.S. were included in this list. Perhaps, something like:

Recent Al Qaeda chatter has caused the United States to raise it's threat assessment level

from "Go Shopping," to "Go Shopping More." Meanwhile, Republican members of Congress have

introduced legislation that would give major tax credits to any millionaires who build elaborate

underground terror-proof bunkers for their friends and family.

Jerry