Friday, April 22, 2011


WARNING: This post rated R for content and rambunctiousness.

So let's talk about male enhancement. At least that's what the woman with the raspy, very sexy voice wanted to talk about when she called me first thing this morning. At first, because their voices are similar, I thought it was a former girlfriend of mine who often calls very late at night--and I said, "I can't believe you're calling me in the morning instead of the middle of the night." And the sexy voice said, "I'd be happy to call you in the middle of the night if you'd prefer it."
She then said she wanted to talk to me about something that would improve my life, and my size. I said I wasn't interested, in fact I was looking for something that would cut down my size as the petite women I preferred were always complaining of pain. She then said, "You're going to hang up on me now, aren't you?" I said, "Not quite yet--first I want to tell you how much I enjoy your sexy voice, and that I wish you a very sexy weekend, and now I'm going to gently and lovingly hang up on you."

But it did remind me of a realization I had quite recently, having watched a number of independent and foreign films on Netflix--many of which feature full frontal nudity of both men and women. For the most part, these men are of average, modest size. I wondered whether they were chosen for these roles because they would not intimidate men watching, or raise expectations of women watching. On the other hand, in porn, the men are so well endowed that I wonder why any man of normal proportions would want to watch them perform.

I have seen a lot of naked men--in the military, in prison showers, living in a sex commune, attending and even conducting a number of all-nude massage workshops, and attending some weekend workshops where nudity was part of the opening up experience. So I know from much observation that most men are not anywhere near the size of porn actors. It still, however, seems to be an issue for many men. Just as women are insecure about the size and shape of their breasts, men wonder if size really matters to a woman. In my experience and my opinion? Only for a small fraction of women, some of whom even join organizations devoted to women who like 'em big.

In one of my stand-up segments, I talk about receiving many emails advertising, at a discount, dozens of devices and supplements guaranteed to make a man's penis dramatically larger. And I also get many emails from various members of Nigerian royalty offering me large sums of money. In the past week, this added up to about $37 million. And here's my question for men: If you had $37 million, would you really need a bigger penis?
A further opinion: size does matter, but only the size of your bank account.

Now if only some sexy-voiced woman would call me up and offer a deal on a product devoted to laughter and joy enhancement.

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